Ok I haven’t written anything in over a
year and a half, so yes this may suck. Now that that is out of the way, I’m
going to talk about being in my thirties.
You always
hear women in movies (usually rich, fabulous, beautiful women) talk about how
awesome their thirties are; marriage, love lives, careers, kids and that they
finally have their lives figured out. These women know where they’ve been and
where they’re going.
Who and where
are these women, and can they help me? I’m
coming up on thirty-two, and realize now that I have less of my life figured
out than I thought I did in my twenties.
Yes, I have two
wonderful children that I have stayed home with for most of their childhood
lives, and it seems like I’ve done a pretty good job teaching them how to be
responsible, how to make their own smart, well informed decisions and learn to
trust their judgment. (Plus I have recently come to the conclusion that if I didn’t
back off, they would be asking me to make their decisions for the rest of their
lives.)
I would like to say that I also have the best
un-husband ever (although the un-husband aspect bothered me, being a woman in
my thirties and all). Eric supports me in everything, my horrible cooking, my obsessive
reading habits, my writing aspirations, and even my lust to work (which never
quite works out because of the kids and their extracurricular activities, and
his being a successful construction business owner).
Now for the career
or lack thereof…. I’ve spent the better part of thirteen years unemployed. Oh I’ve
held jobs here and there, (and of course being a workaholic, I’d loved it) but
I just didn’t seem to have enough of me to continue to work for more than a year, year and a half at any of the
jobs I was at or for my growing boys. It was really difficult for Eric while travelling
and building his business to come home for sick kids, or to leave a job for a doctor’s
appointment, and the kids and Eric were just more important to me than earning
my own way.
Ok so that’s where
this leaves me, fully onward to thirty two with capable children, a partner
with a well-established business, and me, not knowing fully who I am anymore
without them needing me. Honestly I don’t even know what I want to do with myself.
I have plenty of ideas, no idea where to start, plenty of passions, (writing
being one of them and even that abandoned me for a while) and wondering if I’m
the only one in this boat. I see everyone around me picking up and starting over,
challenging themselves and changing for the better, for themselves and I’m feeling
stagnant and in more ways than one….stuck. Am I standing in my own way out of
fear of discovering who I am? Or that I’m not enough? Where are those fabulous women
from the movies when you need them? These are the things women don’t ask their
friends for whatever reasons we have. I’m sure no one would ridicule me, but it’s
something I don’t normally bring to a light breezy conversation.
If this were a movie, I could totally keep writing forever
and make money off of it, but this is reality. And reality is one scary mother,
well you know. So I apologize if this seemed more of an unorganized ranting,
but hey cut me some slack, it took me sixteen months to come up with my own original
idea…and then to try and make it witty! I look forward to feedback (good and bad, I appreciate
it); lastly I hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Ciao
Stephanie
