Absolute Crap ( The Truth )

     Today I finally felt like writing again. I really don’t have the time to be just writing. I should be retaking the midterm I got a 39 on. In math. It sucked. But I am finding it hard to concentrate, so I’m just going to get what is distracting me out on paper. Or virtual paper. Whatever.

     I wake up every day and go through my usual routine. I get my school stuff out of the way. I think what if I’m doing all this for nothing? What if it doesn’t get me anywhere? What if I get this degree in business and it doesn’t even matter? I have no real experience, I don’t even know if all the things I’m learning are even sticking.  

        Then I think about my brother. I wonder when was the last time he went to get high, I wonder if he’s still sober, or if he wasn’t would he tell me the truth. Then I think that maybe I should call or text him, but then I remember he never wants to talk to me, he thinks I’m judging him. Maybe I am. Or when I do check in on him he either wants me to do something for him or he thinks it is because I am calling to check to see if he’s high.  

     By now half of the morning is gone, and my anxiety is so out of control to the point that I can hardly breathe. Everything is so out of my control. There is nothing I control in my whole world. I distract myself some more with housework (which I hate). This is my job, the house, the kids, the bills, helping Eric with parts of his business and I do all of this with love. Because it distracts me from my mind, from my fears of no control, from life.

      What will happen when I have no more distractions? What happens at the end of school? Does life really start with a better education?  Will my new beginning mean that I have finally entered adulthood? Am I really going to post this?

     Truth is, this is crap. This is probably to crappiest crap I’ve ever written. It’s just that bad.  Oh well at least I feel better.

 

I could murder a cheeseburger right now. How I feel about the thought of dieting.

    So as I might have mentioned, I quit smoking. Yeah, yeah congrats, Oh it was worth it, I feel so much healthier now, Awesome, yada yada yada. I don't care. What I do care about is that Im always friggin HUNGRY! Not hungry like "Oh I want to smoke, so I'll eat something instead" hungry. More like "I can really taste food now and I want more" kinda hungry.
    Now, not to say all I do now is eat. I don't just eat, I go to the gym too. The thing I'm noticing is that even though I gym, and generally watch what does go into my gullet, the scale has become my enemy. And it really sucks because we run in the same circles.
I promised myself I wouldn't let that bitch bully me, but there she is over in the corner being all judgey and holier than thou.
    So I hear you, I know, I could become more conscious of the food I choose to eat. I could add a diet to my fitness routine. Maybe even make some ice pops instead of my beloved ice cream.
     NOPE. Just thinking about ti is making me break out in hives.
A few years ago, to get my blood sugar under control, I embarked on the Atkins "way of life". Super hard for a carb addict. But I did it. And it truly is super effective for weight loss. Problem is , it is also super strict. I was making two meals a night. One for me and the other for my super skinny husband and sons. I would eat a grilled chicken salad, and watch them eat the spaghetti and meatballs I just made. (I died a little every night.)
    I just don't want to go through all that again. Why does it have to be that I have to spend 22 hours at the gym to burn off a Whopper value meal? ( Those things are delish!)

The Teenager Complex

    OMFG!  I have completely wiped the feeling of being a teen out of my system. Not that I mind. Quite the opposite actually, I would never wish to be a teenager again. Not the hormone induced daily drama soap opera that was life. Nope, no thanks.
   But what I would love to know is, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING THROUGH MY FOURTEEN YEAR OLDS HEAD! Only every friggin minute lately. I wonder how much  of what he does now, I did then. I really can't remember.
   It is a fight to the death to get homework done. Everyday. He tells me he has it, then refuses to do it. If said child doesn't understand the assignment, when help is administered, an absolute refusal to accept assistance is disbursed. In the form of what can only be considered, as a temper tantrum. MADDENING.
  I don't even know if I can properly explain teenaged attitude. I don't think I could do this piece justice. The eye roll alone is a fine art! Then you get the " GOOOOD MOOOOOM" (god mom) or "I SAIID YEEES" or the dreaded "FINE" (not the same as when said by a woman to a man). No matter what I write or how I write it, unless you have experienced this part, you wont hear it, or imagine the look given. It is not what you see in the movies.
    I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure worse than all else above is the arguing. I thought fighting with my husband was draining, I was wrong. Arguing with him was just strength training to get my mental stamina up for the day the boys would be teenagers.
*Big Sigh* Arguing ANYTHING with a teen is like arguing with an expert on ANYTHING. Of course I am NEVER correct. Even when I am, and am not trying to fight, just trying to help with something. No matter the subject, nor the context, nothing I can do or say is right. I am a parent, therefore, I know nothing, have never done anything, and could never in a million years help or be correct. Nope, never going to happen. Its like talking to a wall. Oh and the blank stare that goes along with this conversation is SUPER CUTE. Not.
   I'm pretty sure it is a terrible thing, that I cannot wait for him to have his own precious  progeny. Who may be the same if not a little worse, so my moppet may come to me and ask "Mom, why is Junior being such a shit? " . And I'll remind him, because his mom is a writer, and will have documentation.

Smoking....or Not

        I quit smoking. Yep, I did it. Alone too. Sixty days. Huge accomplishment, right?
 So how come I don't feel like I've accomplished anything? How come I still want to smoke like every millisecond?
          Maybe its because I don't feel really any different. I was actually a pretty healthy smoker. (If there really is such a thing.) I like to walk, and played tennis with great vigor, messed around playing football and basketball with the boys. I wasn't dying not being able to breath. Well I was, but that was only during allergy season. (That crap isn't going anywhere EVER.)
         Maybe it is because I've put on a shit ton of weight and feel like a depressed fat load, and now I don't want to go out and exercise. My skin looks like shit! What the hell is this about? I thought quitting smoking made you look better, feel better, BE better. I don't sleep anymore, and when I do, I dream about myself smoking, or my husband smoking. So either way, I wake up upset at someone.
         No one tells you the crap parts of quitting. When I told my doctor what was going on, she said it'll be worth it in the long run. AWESOME. When the hell will that be?  Because right now, well right now Sucks.
        I know it is childish, how I feel. I know that my children will be better off and I will be better off. But right now, I resent my friends who still smoke. I am jealous of their every puff. Its not fair that they can do this, and be healthy, and not care what is or isn't happening to them. I know this is just the addict in me talking. I know that the voice I hear is the nicotine trying to get me to buy back in. But right now, I get scared that that voice, is me.
            This is not an anti quit diatribe, just the ranting of a near crazed lady.