Absolute Crap ( The Truth )

     Today I finally felt like writing again. I really don’t have the time to be just writing. I should be retaking the midterm I got a 39 on. In math. It sucked. But I am finding it hard to concentrate, so I’m just going to get what is distracting me out on paper. Or virtual paper. Whatever.

     I wake up every day and go through my usual routine. I get my school stuff out of the way. I think what if I’m doing all this for nothing? What if it doesn’t get me anywhere? What if I get this degree in business and it doesn’t even matter? I have no real experience, I don’t even know if all the things I’m learning are even sticking.  

        Then I think about my brother. I wonder when was the last time he went to get high, I wonder if he’s still sober, or if he wasn’t would he tell me the truth. Then I think that maybe I should call or text him, but then I remember he never wants to talk to me, he thinks I’m judging him. Maybe I am. Or when I do check in on him he either wants me to do something for him or he thinks it is because I am calling to check to see if he’s high.  

     By now half of the morning is gone, and my anxiety is so out of control to the point that I can hardly breathe. Everything is so out of my control. There is nothing I control in my whole world. I distract myself some more with housework (which I hate). This is my job, the house, the kids, the bills, helping Eric with parts of his business and I do all of this with love. Because it distracts me from my mind, from my fears of no control, from life.

      What will happen when I have no more distractions? What happens at the end of school? Does life really start with a better education?  Will my new beginning mean that I have finally entered adulthood? Am I really going to post this?

     Truth is, this is crap. This is probably to crappiest crap I’ve ever written. It’s just that bad.  Oh well at least I feel better.